Saturday, May 26, 2012

Learning How to Let Go

We have come to a point in the Foster Care/Adoption road that we have always been terrified of... losing one you love so deeply. From Day 1 of Introduction into Foster Care/Adoption we were told that these kids will not be yours permanently and that it may be hard to let them go once they have lived in your home for months at a time. We had the head knowledge of that for many, many months. Having the head knowledge and actually learning that are two totally different things.
  The evening we went to pick up our little D to bring him home, our hearts learned how to love in such a way that neither Joshua or I had ever felt. When we layed our eyes on that little guy we ached to keep him, but a tiny part of our heart was guarded because we knew there was still that chance of him only staying a short time. When we got the initial phone call about D, we were told there might be a chance he will be up for adoption. Later, we were told to look long term with D. We heard so many times "Would you be willing to adopt him?" The anticipation of adoption was built up so high. So as months went by, that guard we had was let down and we let little D come into our hearts full force. We still always knew there was a chance he could leave, but we ignored it and told ourselves the lie that it would never happen to us. The day came when we found out he would be leaving us. There was no more phone calls we could make, no more people we could convince, no more hoops we could jump through. We had come to the end of all of our efforts. My heart broke in such a way that I really wasn't sure how to push on. I didn't want the days to end. I didn't want to put him to bed at night, because I knew we were one day closer to letting him go for good. In the midst of such a sad time that day of finding out he was leaving, I didn't realize what the Lord was doing. From the day we found out he was leaving, the Lord gave us almost a full month to mourn and grieve the losing of D. What a blessing. I needed to hold that little boy while I cried and hurt. During that month, God gave me such an indescribable peace about D leaving us. I can't explain it because when I think about losing a child, my first reaction would be to get incredibly angry and bitter towards God. I would ask "Why God??? WHY??" I would want to hurt somebody, and scream at them and tell them how it should have been handled differently! God gave me something different though. He gave me a peace that allowed me to pack D's clothes without getting mad. He gave me a peace that allowed me to cherish some sweet moments with him instead of wasting my energy on pondering things I should have done differently. He gave me a peace that made me thank God for what He was doing in our life even though I couldn't understand. Did I cry? Yes. Did I hurt? Yes. Did I ask why? Yes. But through it all, I saw the Lord's hand in every single step. D will always be my first son. I will not get to raise him, take him to kindergarten, teach him to ride a bike or anything else that I always dreamed of, but that's ok. God knew better than I did and all I was told to do is to just trust Him.
 As I was thinking about writing down my thoughts on the situation of D leaving, all I could think of was how we are learning to let go of him and letting God take control. I don't think I could have found a more appropriate song to share with this post. I couldn't get the link up for you to listen to it, so here are the lyrics.

I'm holding this picture - You drew when you were four -
It was one we proudly hung - On our refrigerator door -
I found it in the attic - In your old dresser drawer -
By a pillow that we made you - And a blanket that you had -
When we learned to chase the monsters - From underneath your bed -
And I remember -

How I learned how to hold you when you cried - I learned how to let you be strong -
Learned how to calm you in the dark - Learned how to listen with my heart -
I learned how to watch you grow - But how will I learn to let go -

And when I walk in your bedroom - The memories that I keep -
Are bedtime stories - And rocking you to sleep -
And as I held you - You'd drift off to dream - And I know
it might sound crazy - Now that you are grown -
But yesterday still feels - Like the day we brought you home -
And I remember -

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful and heart breaking writing, J. Praying for you.